I Hope He Knows

...

taken on my phone - 6.5.11

A year ago today, this goofy bearded man drove 3,000 miles 

and re-entered my life. :)

Last June, he and I weren't dating and had been out of each other's lives for over six months. And it had been a year since we spent any quality time together. And...to be completely honest...I felt certain that we were entirely over. I said my official (and gut-wrenching) goodbye once "the world between us" became more than just a geographical implication. Getting back on my feet wasn't easy. And by "wasn't easy", I mean that the void was so unbearable that I didn't know how it would ever be okay again. I remember calling a girlfriend during a specific low point, asking if she could come over and tell me to get a grip. And she did. And I did. And eventually, things were okay. Some people going through a similar situation might read this and think, "of course you were okay - you got back together!" - but I assure you that the "okayness" happened far before that June day in 2011. It happened when days went by and I suddenly realized I had lived in my time and my moments. It happened when I could listen to a sad track on my iPod without quickly changing it to some girl-empowering-anthem-boys-drool pop song. It happened when my prayers shifted from pleases to thank yous. It happened when a certain peace came over me when I least expected it. It happened on my own time. And as weird as it sounds, I look back and am proud of little self for figuring out how to regain that sense of independent happiness especially while living alone.  It's a comforting lesson that I think everyone deserves to either discover or know it's possible to discover. I have to admit, I cringe whenever I read or hear someone saying that their significant other completes them or he/she is the other half. What happened to being and feeling independently enough? And then meeting someone who supplements and complements your own sense of self and vice versa? I'd like to think that meeting the right person can certainly improve your life, but I refuse to believe that someone else out there is meant to complete it. 

Despite the unfortunate circumstances in his career that caused him to even be able to drive cross country and find me visiting family in Virginia, I am beyond grateful for that day...that day that felt like one big fuzzy dream. I remember he took me to a nearby playground and we sat on the swings and just sort of stared at each other wondering how on earth we were sitting side-by-side. Should I have felt more reluctant to see him? Maybe. But I knew I'd be okay no matter what.  After some time passed as being just friends, he went on a drive around Boston and somehow ended up on my doorstep in NYC, declaring that "friends" just wasn't gonna cut it. And after feeling every emotion imaginable, I opened my little heart back up again. Nothing about the logistics of our relationship has ever been easy, but I have fallen head-over-heels for my best friend - in a way that exceeds all personal preconceived notions I had of what it could be like. I have no idea what my / his / our future holds, but that's not what matters. Right now I'm just extra thankful for June 5th, 2011...and June 5th, 2012...and that I regained that feeling of completeness long before his car pulled up.

...

a little message for him today ::

I hope he knows how much I cherish him and what we have.

I hope he knows how much I enjoy the constant belly-laughs,
even when the joke's on me. :)

I hope he knows I appreciate him knowing me so well
 to see right through my stubbornness.

I hope he knows that I've told him things I've never told anybody else. 

I hope he knows how much I respect his own dreams and value the fact that he supports mine.

I hope he knows how much joy he brings me.

I hope he knows I love him.

like crazy.

until next time,

g